What goes around does come around for us. I have wondered about that quite a bit. Are we supposed to learn a lesson from the circular nature of life? I haven't stopped to get the answer so when you figure it out you tell me please.
I do think that I have had my aha moment however. There are many things in this life that make me go hmm but this one made me go hmm, hmmm, hmmmm. I am....becoming my mother. And confession is good for the soul lol. You see I spent a lot of my late teen years and my young adult life vowing NOT to become her. Mommy was strong, resilient, wise, hardworking, compassionate, firm, tough, giving, comical, humble, God fearing, an entrepreneur, a hustler and beyond that, she was a CEO. A CEO and head of household and that kept her saving only to spend again. She participated in lending circles (partner plan for us yardies) just to survive. She didn't have tax refunds to look forward to - no, absolutely not. She did it the Jamaican way where according to her one hand washes the other. She helped others. Her generosity had no limits and so many people helped her in return. On the flip side, she was also, scared, one tracked, fearful of the unknown, timid, economically/financially challenged and to top it off, a single parent of 5 children.
As I grew older and eventually separated from her, I recognized that deep inside her was an unrequited love. She gave it all to us in the best way she knew how and did not demand a return. At the end of every day, she had nothing left for herself, no social media to unwind with friends near and far, no telephone (for a long time) to catch up with family far away, no television (for the most of my early years) to indulge and vicariously live through her favorite characters and she did not have a companion to be the sounding board for her long, arduous and dull days. She lost herself in work, planting flowers and vegetables, household chores, her relatives, her children and later on grand children.
She had challenges that bring tears to my eyes just thinking about them now and I am sure that I don't know the half. I am not the key keeper of the family by any means so I don't know all the stories but I lived some of them and they were not pretty.
Mommy did not venture out- she missed several opportunities as a result. Mommy did not take risks - she missed several opportunities as a result. Mommy did not even enter secondary (high) school - she missed a plethora of opportunities as a result.
Me? I have been scared, one tracked, fearful of the unknown, timid and financially challenged. Oh but I'm.....comiiiiiiinnnggg......out! Yes like Diana Ross I'm singing......I'm coming out!! Out from under all my inhibitions.
In a way, I have come full circle. What my mom would've been is who I am today. I am becoming mommy, I am realizing her dreams. I am definitely not worthy because she did one heck of a job with the scarce benefits that she had. Today I have what she can only smile at. She thinks that I am not her because, I have so much more than she ever did but, I am becoming her, I am her.
This blog is for mommy and the rock (really a gem) that she is - the rock that I am approaching.
